THREE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor" she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:  If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish".

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world". Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life". Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up", the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch".

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:  Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1 Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

2 Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3 And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

Lesson 7

A lion saw a bird perching on a tall branch of a tree.  "The scenery is so much more beautiful from up high!", the bird exclaimed.

The lion wanted to view the scenery from up high too. He jumped up again and again but coud not reach a tall branch of the tree.  "Why don't you eat some of the bull shit over there?  It will give you strength to jump higher.", the bird said.

The lion ate a lot of bull shit and sure enough was able to jump up the tall branch.  Sure enough, the scenery did look much more beautiful from up high. Delighted, the lion opened his mouth and let out a big roar.  Just then, a hunter happened to walk nearby, heard the lion's roar and found him standing on a tall branch.  The hunter took his aim.  "Bang!" the lion fell down, dead as a door nail.

Moral of the story:  When you are full of shit, keep your mouth shut.


Lesson 8

A young tortoise was very studious, reading books after books all day long.  One day, he came upon the story of "The Tortoise and The Hare" written by La Fontaine.  Our young tortoise was overjoyed as he was often taunted by other animals in the forest for being slow.  Now he has the concrete proof that tortoises are not slow at all because one of his ancestors did win a race against a hare, the fastest animal in the forest.  Our young tortoise promptly walked around, showing the La Fontaine book to other animals in the forest, telling them to stop taunting him for being slow.  Despite the proof, the other animals kept taunting the young tortoise.  "Enough is enough!  I'll prove it myself".  The young tortoise then asked to have a race with a hare to prove that a tortoise can win a race against a hare, just like La Fontaine said in his book.  Of course the tortoise lost the race by a very wide margin.  Of course all the animals taunrted him even more after the race.

Moral of the story:  Do not trust everything you read in books (or seen on the internet).


Lesson 9

A 10-year old boy whose father is a very successful businessman admires his father very much. One day, the father asked the son: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  "I want to be a successful businessman just like you!",  replied the son.  He then asked "Could you teach me how to become a successful businessman?"

"Certainly" said the father.  "In fact, I am giving you the first lesson right now".

The father then asked the son to climb about 7 feet up a tree.  "Now you jump down" said the fther.

"I can't!  It's so high that if I jump down, I will get hurt". 

"Don't worry! You won't.".

The boy still hesitated.  "Trust me!" said the father.  Upon hearing that, the boy jumped down and got hurt.  "Why did you do that?  I trusted you and I got hurt !".
 
The father calmly said "That's your first lesson in business.  Never trust anybody, even if it's your father!"

Moral of the story:  Remember Lesson 8?  To be successful in business, you have to trust some people sometimes.  Just don't trust anybody who says "Trust me!"